The Pantry, Neath Market: I was once locked in a pantry in Balmoral Estate. I was in my pants,…read morearmed with two pork chops, fending off a demented chef, a squirrel with two tails, a bad-tempered bobcat called Gerald, and Elton John singing something about blowing out candles with his wind. It was a strange Tuesday...
Saturday in Neath; what could be better?
1. A brutal colonoscopy
2. A weekend in Monte Carlo
3. Being hung, drawn, and quartered
4. Tea for two at The Ritz
A few things do spring to mind...
I wandered past a wedding: the bride looking pretty in white, a drug-addled maniac waving his hands in the air like a wacky inflatable car wash mascot (he was happy, at least), and a deranged woman who offered to sell me discounted washing powder outside a Wetherspoons. The last one bothered me. I didn't approach her; she approached me and said, "Would you like this box of Vanish, special deal, five pounds?" I said, "No thank you."
Neath truly is a melting pot.
I was done with the basic shopping I had to do and decided to call into the market. I hadn't been for some time. I was very hungry by this stage, and it was then I happened upon The Pantry.
I walked inside the café and I was transported back to school. Made me chuckle. There was one table at the back of the café available, and I sat down.
I ordered a large breakfast with a black coffee from the very nice young man with red hair (failed to catch his name, so he will now be called Carrot Top) and sat back to people-watch. Opposite me was a man who bore a striking resemblance to Larry King in red suspenders. There was another couple to my left.
I wonder where Cedric is these days... haven't seen him in a while. Probably off kicking an otter off a skyscraper. Weird hobby.
My black coffee arrived and it was delicious. Very good.
Then my toast arrived, and again, this was excellent. They used a farmhouse loaf with lashings of hot melted butter.
Then my breakfast arrived. For some reason, I didn't have mushrooms. I didn't mention it, as I could see they were very busy.
The bacon was thick and cooked well. The sausages had a good flavour (nothing spectacular, but good hearty sausages). The egg was good; the white was a little jiggly if I was being very, very picky. The beans and the tomatoes were of good quality and very tasty.
And all this for £7.95. Holy moly! The quality and the flavour are top-notch for that price. I was more than happy.
As I was paying, HE arrived. Cedric...
"You otter, you philatelist, you insane fundamentalist!" Cedric spat.
"You swine, you sub-par cobbler, you aardvark knobbler!" I responded. "I thought you were banished to a Tesla dealership in Slough?"
"I have returned, Bernard. And this time I want to be friends!"
I was struck. Emotional. My heart broke. My mind filled with ideas of forgiveness. I nodded solemnly.
"Not a chance!" I said.
I raised my mighty LeCox (my magic wand) and waved it in the air.
"LeCox, LeCox, show him my boot. Show him out. Shoo him away. May he never return a year from now or today!"
He turned into a blobfish with a ginger Bob Ross afro.
"Oops. Must have done that wrong!" I chuckled.
I considered taking Blob Ross home, but decided against it. Maxwell may get peckish again. My fish tank is not a pick and mix snack bar Maxwell...
The Pantry, Neath Market 5/5 (you can't argue with the value for money and the quality. Superb.)