I'm not quite sure where to begin. This was an emotional roller coaster spanning quite a few months and I'm sure I'll live with some considerable psychological sequelae from it all for the foreseeable future.
This is someone who is adept at playing manipulative emotional games with frustrated, vulnerable people; disabled people and caregivers at the end of their rope who feel lost in the shuffle.
At first, it felt like she "got" me in a way I had never experienced with a service provider. Slowly, she started to feel more and more like the coolest aunt ever, and maybe even a friend. It felt like I could tell her anything and like it was us against the world.
Professional boundaries eroded incrementally enough that it was hard to notice until things had long since gotten out of hand and some kind of twisted bond made it all feel that much worse to confront. Meetings got longer and longer, and later and later. More and more gossip about other clients started to slip and in increasing levels of detail.
She even started to float the idea of us taking an overnight road trip together with her child, who she highly recommended for me to hire as a service provider alongside her, possibly staying with some of her family, and it just felt wrong.
Since this trip would have been for a conference relevant to my disability, I said that I would rather say with my own family in the area of the conference and was thinking about taking a long-distance train, but she kept pushing.
I was exposed to some things I shouldn't have been and in hindsight, it also felt like she also could have kept her immediate family much more separate from what we were doing.
Her mastery of the finer points of love bombing, empty promises, and future faking toward someone who has faced lifelong social rejection and difficulty navigating institutions made it way too easy for me to overlook how little she actually got done in the time I was her client.
She was really good at keeping me thinking that something she could unlock or facilitate was always just right around the corner, but that there was always some unexpected roadblock or way that something turned out to be very different than initially claimed.
I gave her the benefit of the doubt for way too long.
That provider she said she had an "in" to couldn't get back to her week after week. I needed to get just one more document ready before she could help me with that form. Suddenly that person she was going to introduce me to doesn't work somewhere anymore. She was always "so sorry" to misgender me after several months of corrections.
And just when I would begin to be able to feel some weird feelings about things or wonder if certain things needed to take the time that they did, she would benevolently employ DARVO to make me question whether I was being reasonable, and whether my disability was actually to blame for how things were going.
It felt like tough love, with an eerie veneer of a gentle, caring correction from a parent, while insidiously chipping away at my basically nonexistent self-esteem.
I was in school at the time and started to catch myself getting in the habit of feeling like I was beneath my classmates and didn't really belong in my program.
There was a cycle of putting me up on a pedestal, showering me with frequent compliments on my intelligence and overall character. She implied to me that I was basically "one of the good ones" with my qualifying condition. She convinced me that she cared deeply about the rights of disabled people and admired my family.
Then it was followed by "reminders" that if she could just find certain services for me, my disability wouldn't be "in the way" as much, that I was "more difficult" than her other clients, and even giving advice that discouraged me from pursuing certain goals before she could "find" certain providers for me.
Often, me catching her making a small mistake or not doing something set off her more critical, pathologizing side.
The scary thing is that until a few months ago, she would have easily gotten five stars from me.
I'm just glad there have been no financial consequences for me since I paid her using my SDP funds.
Don't let her make you think she's someone she's not. read more