Wow. What can we say about this small business owner. She welcomed us with not 1 but 3 different…read moreforms of cheesy bread within moments of our arrival. This would prove to be a theme, as both the group and Bert came to realize that you eat this with every meal here. When we asked to see the cultural sites of Sao Paolo, she replied: "there is eating and there is drinking, pick one". This led us to our first authentic Brazilian meal: sushi. It was fantastic. Bert also took us to the Sao Paolo Rain Forrest cafe where the ambiance was immaculate and there were fewer children's birthday parties than anticipated.
In addition to managing her own tour business, she also works at a consulting firm laying people off. An inspiration to all women everywhere. While she worked her second job, we were at slightly higher risk of kidnapping, which further highlighted Bert's value to our tour. Next, she took us to a house of killer dogs and her friends all of whom were named Marcela. They spoiled us with Brazilian barbecue that did in fact slap. We were also introduced to Caipirinhas and Cachaça shots, which were not only tasty but also provided a thrill of almost missing our flight to Rio. We will also probably be talking about that sink for the next decade.
In Rio, we stayed in a lux beach front property Bert had secured for the group free of charge. On day one, we had a chill day at the beach. Nobody had any corn, and this would prove to be a vital mistake. We still managed to have cheese on a stick of course. After showing us a stunning view of Rio, and then failing to see a sunset, we reunited with a long lost friend (also a Bert's tours associate) for dinner amidst monsoon rains. Bert, having worked hard for days at this point, decided she needed some gringo-less R&R and sent us home with a note of Portuguese apartment-access phrases. With that stellar guidance, we did not have to spend the night in a FavelaBnB.
The next day we had the pleasure of watching the World Cup game (Bert was secretly rooting for Argentina but didn't tell her parents) and then went to an absolute banger with Jesus Christ himself watching over us. The party can be summed up by being called Hawaiians behind our backs, zip lines, flicking your friends off, and lines for pizza. An absolute 10/10 time.
The next day, Bert took us into cultural overdrive, showing us Sugar Loaf and Christ the Redeemer. The views? Stunning. The company? Impeccable. The jokes? Nonstop. My stomach has never been the same since I was slipped an agua com gas at the Sugar Loaf, but the laughs made up for it. (Ed. note: sometimes life is com gas when you least expect it).
The last day in Rio was pretty rainy, so we went to a Museum to learn what we need to do to save the planet. Then we went....shopping? Capitalism always comes out on top. Kev's mom will be rocking her bag for years to come, while Tyler's brother will have to settle for an airport I Heart Brazil t-shirt.
Our final stop on the journey was the beautiful Angra Dos Reis where Bert had once again procured lavish accommodations for the group. There, we continued to enjoy some of the best cheese and red meat we've ever had, with great wine and amazing company. We even got a lovely day out on a boat and a fire sunset.
Overall 5/5 stars for Bert. If you are looking for someone whose specialties include putting Jewish giants in timeout, translating all of your food orders, and hand stuff, you have come to the right place. Notably her skills do not include parking or the ability to control the weather like a witch, but those are hard to come by these days. To thank her, the bois will be treating her to whatever RESY prime restaurant she wants upon her much anticipated return to the United States.
Thank you for everything Bert!
Love,
The bois
