Balnea was highly recommended by a fellow spa-goer.
I haven't tried many Montreal spas (just Scandinave Tremblant, Scandinave Old Port, and Bota Bota).
I'm Eastern European, so I'm used to all kinds of spa treatments outside of Montreal. I've been to Finland, so I've tried their real Finnish spa. This was followed by Japanese onsen in Takayama and Kyoto, Turkish baths in Antalya, and some real Russian "banya" - spa with 100% humidity, snow-diving, frozen-river-diving, and being beaten up by angry Russians with birch-tree brooms (yes - exactly the way you saw it in Eastern Promises).
Anyways, the drive to Balnea was not long, which is a major plus, as compared to Scandinave Tremblant. Plenty of road signs to Balnea Spa made it easy. As we are driving up through picturesque country side I'm getting excited. Suddenly I see an awesomely looking iced lake. Obviously they are going to have lake/river winter diving, just like in Tremblant, right? Guess what! Nope. Fail.
We park, walk into the lobby. Not bad for spa lobby. I really liked high ceilings. There was a crowd. I don't mind crowds. However this one was way too Jersey, actually I mean South Shore, if you know what I mean. Beefy "situation"-looking dudes, more tattoos than IQ points, crispy-fried-snookie-style-chicks, you get it. First thought - FML.
So, we get our keys, towels, and immediately get warned that replacement robe or towel is $5. So don't get them wet. I'M IN A SPA! I'm supposed to be wet! And dry myself with a towel. And hopefully not pay for doing that.
We get into the dressing rooms. Guys' one... lacked hand soap. And tissues. Fine. More Jersey Shore. They could totally film one episode at Balnea.
Following my friend's advice, I requested a guided tour of the facility (by pressing a button on the wall. Balnea is very high tech.) After waiting for about 15 minutes on Structube-comfortable acid-blue chairs, our guide shows up.
Balnea spa facilities include:
2 outside jacuzzis of the same temperature.
2 inside finnish spas (eucaliptus and orange flavors)
1 cold shower
1 cold indoor pool (extremely inaccessible. Due to recent events I'm with a cane now, and there was no way I could get into that pool). I tried. And tried. Whatev.
1 outdoor semi-cold pool.
1 turkish bath
Besides spa, you will also find 5-6 resting areas that totally look like Structube or Ikea showrooms. In general the whole place seems to be designed by one of those super cheesy Montreal night-club designers. Acid-blue chairs are next to doors, covered with white leather puffy stuff (like in mental institutions), log-looking coffee tables are right next to BRIGHT-red 1960 leather office chairs, basically no coherent taste what-so-ever. Outright posh, screaming colors everywhere that do not give you that relaxed blissful state of mind, that you look so much for at a spa retreat.
There are 2 extra facilities outside. Fake-cave-like outside semi-warm sauna where you will chill at about 20c after walking for 50 yards at -30c. Fine.
Next to it there is... wait for it... yes FAKE IGLOO WITH A FAKE FIREPLACE AND FAKE BLANKETS!!! Yes you heard me. Igloo is made of an igloo-shaped red tent. Inside, there is an ethanol fireplace that doesn't give that warmth, sound, or even smell of a real fireplace. Around the fake fireplace you will find bunch of day beds with beanbags on top of them. And acrylic fur blankets. Oh yes. Those. Anyways, fake igloo was a major fail. Don't go.
By the time we tried all of this splendor, it was time for food. I did not have any massage booked (this was a last minute decision), so can't comment on their massage quality.
We get to the cafeteria. They have about 12 choices of food and 3 choices of wine. Will start with wine. $5.50 Mission Hill Pinot Blanc was not bad for a dep wine. So was my friend's chardonnay. A little bit incongruent with an upscale spa setting. H-anyways.
Food: I asked what is the server's top choice. Puzzled with wide selection of 3 choices, he suggested a chicken and apples sandwich with cream of spinach soup for me, as it was the thing that all guys ordered. My companion got some thai shrimp soup.
Food took some time to prepare. After about 20 minutes, it was graciously delivered to us on Ikea trays. Very good presentation. Food was pretty much Presse Cafe level. Don't think they prepare it onsite. Conclusion - don't go to Balnea for gourmet experiences. There is an A&W around the corner, just in case you arrive or leave hungry.
Summary:
Good: not far from Montreal, awesome views onto the lake, potentially awesome sun bathing in summer, cheap wine, friendly staff, A&W around the corner
Bad: not enough spa facilities, tacky design, Jersey Shore crowd, mediocre food, no jumping in the lake, no snow bathing...
PS. Turkish steam bath had no steam. We spent good 20 minutes looking for a steam release button, remote control, some turks to make some steam. None of that was present. read more