My brother and I went to the Dollar General Store today in search of some packaging supplies and possibly a diet cola pop. Upon entering "DG" (that's what we call it), we were immediately impressed by the automatic sliding doors and prominent display of diet cola pops hanging near the entrance - nice! Strolling towards the packaging supplies aisle, we spied a "reacher grabber:" a wonderful device you can use to grasp items you would otherwise be unable to reach. My brother's pupils widened with joy and I knew it was coming home with us. After a quick lap around the store (we were pleased to find a wide selection of delicious-smelling candles - we're something of connauseurs on this matter, as my brother's girlfriend, who I'll call "Marlando," has recently begun devoting the better part of her day to candle-making... her technique involves taking old wax chips from used candles, laboriously fingering them into baby food jars, then gently pushing a Q-tip through the center) we made our way to the check-out line. Observing our "impulse buy" of a large plastic medieval-style sword, the clerk advised us that a second sword would be 75% off. My brother high-fived himself and sprinted to retrieve said second sword. "Now you'll be able to battle each other," our clerk helpfully offered. Thus, the 4 stars are for exemplary service.
Please allow me to explain why I had no choice but to withhold the final star. When we got home, Marlando excitedly snatched up the reacher-grabber. In her haste, she fell down and broke some commemorative plates my recently-deceased grandmother had given to me, but I couldn't stay angry. You see, Marlando had a half-full case of Natural Light and there was a "Chopped" marathon on Food Network. From her perch on the couch in my mom's basement, the desirable, room-temperature Natties sat juuust out of reach on the floor. Marlando gave the reacher grabber a few test squeezes, and settled in for the night. "I wish Ted Allan was my dad," she happily mused to herself, aiming the reacher grabber towards that silvery cardboard treasure box. She successfully got the tongs of the reacher grabber around the girth of that first Natty, and squeezed, eagerly anticipating the warm, familiar froth with a giddy, childlike gasp. Then, it happened. The can slipped from the reacher grabber with a heartbreaking thunk. My entire family turned and stared at the useless reacher grabber hanging limply in Marlando's hand. That was when we knew : the Dollar General Store reacher grabber was a big, big mistake that cannot be undone. read more