A Tour for Everyone, and Others Too
I have lived my whole life in places other than St. Pete. A few weeks ago I made up my mind to ignore the passing years and join the ranks of those excursionists who have at one time or another repaired to this fabled, storied, etc. "destination hotspot." Upon hitting town I took the nearest street person under advisement, asking him to supply the name of the city's choicest touring company. Bastardo Tours International was his immediate, slurred response. After a moment of hesitancy (in which I established that BTI was in fact not international but rather intra-municipal, as befits a local city tour), I borrowed the street person's cell phone in exchange for booze money and rang the contact number provided.
What can I say of Reverend Bastardo, the man who answered the call? Dilettante of the extraordinary. Roller derby devotee. Paper bag enthusiast. These are but a few things we had in common based on our brief conversation. I booked a tour with no further ado.
We - Rev. B and I - met at the designated place on the established hour. I brought with me sunscreen and expectations. A tour of the Sunshine City in the Sunshine State should effloresce, I persuaded myself. It should incandesce. It should approach such radiance that one need squint from the supernal blaze. (People tell me I am easy to please, hard to satisfy.) We - Rev. B and I - proceeded to sightsee. Here. There. Here. There. Stars of satisfaction! Never have I experienced a tour like this! Never have I toured a city like this! One wonders how I had successfully negotiated quite a few decades without ever coming within hailing distance of such spectacles. What did we see? What did we do? What did we experience? Do not ask me to delve for you. A BTI tour is too enriching - and too reasonably priced - to cheapen with insipid word-pictures. I will, however, put forth an endorsement to three segments of society with nearly the boldness of speaking on their behalves, or bethirds, really.
Tourists: Some of you have undoubtedly taken high-dollar excursions with a "CEO" (a cutesy acronym for "Chief Experience Officer"). Book this tour and revel in the difference. At the risk of sounding monarchical, Rev. B is a king over these self-styled "chiefs."
St. Petersburgians: Let Rev. B fill your mind-sponges with local insights you were too lazy to discover yourselves. It is a non-money back guarantee you will learn something new. This is your city. Come and get it. (Personal aside: tips are encouraged. This is not charity! Some of the proceeds will go to well-fed children with homes!)
Seniors: Take this tour. You're only old once. I myself may be long in the tooth and unsteady in my stride, and yes, Rev. B may be forty years my junior, but he did not find my decrepitude off-putting. Together we pursued great experiences as they happened, virtually becoming a single organism of theatrics and geriatrics. Trust me, fellow old-timers, he will pace the circuit accordingly and you will keep up!
People, this is Florida. There will be tours and rumors of tours. Treat yourselves to the Mount Everest of guided travel by booking with Rev. B, a pioneer in the field since whatever day he began. read more
