"Honey, would you mind if we run an errand after brunch?"…read more
Guys, if your significant other asks you this question, the answer is, "I don't know. I've got some things to get done." Or maybe "Oh, these eggs aren't agreeing with me. You just go on ahead." Or "Sure, but first let me stab myself in the face." Groggy and content, fat and happy as that bacon and goat cheese omelet made you, don't fall into this Sunday trap. Men of Atlanta, heed my warning lest you be dragged to.....BUCKHEAD CROSSING.
Buckhead Crossing is female cat nip. Let me run down the stores: Sally's Beauty Supplies, Michael's, Homegoods, Marshall's, Ross, Hancock Freakin' Fabric, my breasts grew with each new store I was dragged to. Yeah, there's a Bennie's Shoes there, but ever since they crossed Sidney Marcus, even THAT place has chicked up.
The women, the womyn, love it. I watched them dart back and forth while the eyes of we hapless husbands and boyfriends would occasionally meet, a moment of understanding and pain before we returned to our broken, vacant, thousand yard stare. The wife cooed over some, what is that? A chicken-shaped tea pot? WTF? And wait, we have to go to Michael's to get yarn? How come we can't just get them at Hancock Fabrics? They don't sell YARN? What do you mean "yarn's not a fabric." They sell fucking CHAIRS. You can't tell me that's a fabric. I may be a guy, but I'm not an idiot!
Oh, but you are, dear sir, you are. At Michael's, my wife pointed out an elderly couple. The husband had picked out and was in the process of buying $60 of plastic autumn leaves. My wife expounded, "See that? That guy actually helped his wife pick those leaves out!"
"Honey, his wife had 50 years to break him."
OW! At least turn your wedding ring around before you punch me!
One thing, though. If you're a single guy, I'd be remiss in pointing out what prime territory Buckhead Crossing is. In Michael's alone, you find sorority girls shopping for things to make posters with, MILFs buying styofoam balls for their kids' science fair solar system project, overly romanticized nascent cat ladies purchasing scrapbook materials. It's all there and with nary an alpha male in sight. Just create a believable reason for why a single heterosexual male would be found trolling the aisles (the picture frames are always good as is the line of questioning, "Excuse me, can I ask you something? Do you think my mom/sister/niece would like this?" Oh, and guys? You're WELCOME.)
Alas I am no longer single, so Buckhead Crossing is of limited utility to me. I may buy a shirt once in a while from Marshall's, but that's a 15 minute project tops and not a 3 hour expedition. If you're ballsy enough, I recommend either a trip up Piedmont Road to visit Oxford Comics or a Sidney Marcus Best Buy run as revenge. ("Babe, while we're out, I've got to pick something up too.") Keep in mind, as satisfying as this may be at the time, do at your own peril, for hell hath no fury than a woman being forced to wait in a comic book shop.
Buckhead Crossing--four stars if you're a woman. If you're a guy? Good luck.