What I was looking for was Just Like a Prayer. What I got was production value, minus the prayer.
Disclaimer: I was raised Catholic. The guilt, confession - the works. Even though the physical church freaked me out a little (what if that ripped Jesus statue MOVES?) I found comfort in the format of the mass. Ample time for reflection, for thinking about the week, for praying about things that you cope with because you need to, when breaking down would be easier. The priest tied in current events into the teachings of the bible. And, this being on the east coast, the churches were smaller, older, cozier.
But everything is bigger here, in Texas - including nearly every church I have seen. Compound style. Multiple buildings. Parking lots like woah. It's overwhelming.
I went to Riverbend around Christmas time. Or Easter. One of those Important Days with dietary impact. They had a single baritone performer guest with simple piano accompaniment, and he sang between the talking. It was nice. You could see the forest outside beyond the huge glass. Soothing.
But now I've seen it blown out of proportion: full-production choir, pit stand for the band. This is completely different from the simplicity of choir music I loved at church. There was something about picking up the booklet to find the song, that act of participating in the mass. We were motivated to be active participants.
The song choices at Riverbend gave me the bad kind of goosebumps. Seasons of Love? Really? You know that was written by a gay composer for a Broadway show about sex, drug use, and disease, right? And I'm fine with RENT (hey musical theater minor) but it seemed almost... hypocritical. Or out of place, at least. And the huge screens with the words on them, the cameras, and everyone being mic-ed... it was so sorely foreign to me. I remember another mass where they took U2 and Coldplay songs and presented them in a spiritual context. Ouch. God Is Trying to Tell You Something: classic gospel, simplistic performance; I'll take it. Ave Maria: classic church song, simplistic delivery; I'll take it. U2, at church? Please, no.
But none of that is my main issue. My biggest point of contention is that, in this place, I cannot pray. Despite it being a pretty establishment and the folks being nice and the boy wanting me to go with him, I found actual prayer nearly impossible. So many distractions. Always something going on, someone talking, a story being told. Someone is always telling you what to pray about. Pray for the children starting a relationship with God, that they may blossom into the faithful from the loving seeds we plant today. I get it, I pray for them. They're cute. But I have stuff to pray about too. If you could put a sock in it for a minute I would have time to get a word in myself.
It feels like church for the lazy. The singing is done for you, loudly. Someone is constantly talking through the mass about what you should pray for. All I have to do is sit back and watch.
So thank you, but it's hard to break a previously established interaction with the church, the spiritual dynamic that works for each of us. I did not feel at peace. I did not have an opportunity to pray. And Lord, help me, that I may never again hear a seemingly very vanilla woman screech orders to "measure your life in lo-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!" Please, dear God, no. read more