THIS IS A WARNING... This could very well be my last Yelp review, even as of now I'm writing this in an undisclosed underground bunker that I built in my backyard... Awww, Dammit! Took me all weekend too! Great now there's a chance that I'm going to have to make a tin-foil head wrap and run the streets screaming, their listening, their all listening!
Now that my safety is no longer an issue, I will sacrifice my life so that others will live and know the truth about what we know as Starbucks Coffee!
If you're like me, you enjoy eight or nine cups of coffee in the morning and a few at lunch and a pot before you go to bed. It didn't use to be this way, there was a simpler time when life was well, simpler, you woke up made a pot of the go-go juice had a cup (or two if it was Folgers,) then you went on with your day. Now we run out the door, pull into a Starbucks and order our coffee, and you can't just say "Can I have a cup of coffee?" You have to say something like "I'd like a Tall Venti Grande, double shot latte, foam the dome, slap the baby, wiggle it just a little bit, milk the cow and stick your finger in it." I serious if you go into ant Starbucks in the world and say that, you will be handed a drink... a very large drink and it will cost $45.00.
Did you know that Starbucks drink ordering is now a State required class in all American public high schools? Now you're asking, "What does the government have to do with Starbucks?"
That's my point man! The government has always been involved in Starbucks Coffee from the very beginning, man! You people are like lemmings following Big Brother over the cliffs of control... man! It's all a lie man! It's all a lie!
I know what you're thinking, what do I know that you don't. Well my friend I'm here to give you the facts now.
1. Grammy Award winner Kenny G (born as Kenneth Gorelick shortened his last name from Gorelick to just "G" because it sounded to much like a (quote) a horror porno flick.) Is said to have fronted the money to open one of the first Starbucks in Seattle, Washington. Umm, where is the Capital of the United States? Oh that's right, Washington D.C.! But what you didn't know was that Kenny G was born and raised in a laboratory built in the dome of the Capital. Have you ever been in the dome, I haven't? There he was raised and programmed to play the soprano saxophone. Why the soprano saxophone? Because it has the ability to produce mind controlling notes that are unheard to human ear but at the same time cause a smoothing and calm sensation in the human body. Now you know why Kenny G sucks and sells records at the same time.
2. Ask yourself this, "Why did Starbucks launch a record label called "Hear Music". Because that's exactly what they want you to do and Kenny G can't do this all by himself. That's why now you can pick up music from people you never heard of that suck just as bad as Kenny. Am I freaking you out yet?
3. Most employees of Starbucks are brainwashed and never leave Starbucks, answer me this, Have you ever met someone who says that they "used" to work for Starbucks? Me neither. Oh and if you say you have, then they are "One Of Them" and there's a good change that they implanted a "mind controlling clip" device into the back of your neck. If so, sorry it's too late for you. Also did you know that Starbucks employees get reimbursements for all body pricings because they become better receivers for the government mind controlling frequencies? The tattoos they have to pay for.
4. Frappuccino isn't a real word, not in any language.
5. You own a $25.00 coffee mug you bought from Starbucks.
6. Have you ever noticed that they run out of low-fat lemon poppy seed muffins before noon, everyday!
7. And then there are the guys that bring in their lap-tops pretending to work on their first novel and say "I just get more work done here then at home." Have you ever read a novel that was written by anyone at Starbucks? NO you have not! How much you want to bet that after I post this, Starbucks is going to start selling the novels written in their stores? Mark my word.
I could go on but Yelp only gives me 5000 character space and I think I made my point. Sorry to say that there's no hope for the most of you, I tried and possibly gave my life to warn all of you. All I ask is that next time you go into Starbucks and order your half caffeinated, soy milk, Big Gulp'ta and wonder why you just bought the latest CD by "Slavko Slivovitz and His Magic Accordion" think of me and how there's a good change that I'm stuck in my underground bunker wishing I had a really good cup of coffee. read more