"Wahh! I went to a place that's been open since the 50's and it wasn't exactly like all the corporate processed junk food restaurants I love going to in my Subaru, wearing my Dockers, on my way back from my 10-bedroom, $5 Million Muskoka cottage! Hold me Mommy, I need a venti mochacchino!"
- My impression of the majority of Haugen's reviewers below
Sorry, Chad and Mountain-Dreamer, this place is just old-school, solid quality, meat and potatoes fare, for a reasonable price. The fries, oddly, are made of potatoes, have not ever been frozen, nor have they had any 'non-nutritive food varnish' applied to create an artificial crispy exterior. They get crispy because they are fresh and cooked properly in hot oil!
Sorry McCain crispy-fry lovers, nothing to see here!
Oh, yes, and the fries aren't "seasoned". This will surprise you, but as a child, we often had to season our own food, using small glass-and-metal seasoning dispensers that were placed on the tables. But that was long before helicopter parents discovered the many benefits of saving children from having to do anything other than grunt and force some ear-buds into their otherwise-unused craniums. Thankfully, a steady program of indoor lighting, zero responsibilities, video games, a reading ban, and being driven anywhere they need to go at a moment's notice, has successfully managed to ensure that most are cynical and devoid of any ambition whatsoever, including making one's own cup of coffee, or using one's upper extremities for anything so strenuous as "self-seasoning".
And NO, the chicken is not pre-formed into dinosaurs or emoji-smiles, nor coated in fair-trade GMO-and-gluten-free panko UN-breadcrumbs, it's whole chickens, skin-on (gasp!) roasted rotisserie style, and made to taste like ... wait for it... CHICKEN! If you can't handle all that unfamiliar chicken flavour, feel free to douse it in your ubiquitous Sriracha hot sauce, so it tastes precisely like every other meal you've eaten this month. Just grab the bottle from your fanny pack (it's next to your stevia-sweetened high-electrolyte bottled-water-enhancer). :P
The sauce, yes, it bizarrely tastes like ...tomato! "Eww! Why can't they make it taste like high-fructose corn syrup and tapioca starch, more like the $17-an-ounce Acai-Juniper-Berry BBQ sauce that the caterer-chef put on the Swordfish steaks he maple-planked when the board of directors flew-in to the cottage for a couple of hours last summer, Beverly?"
And I'm sure you're also surprised to discover that home-baked pies are round, and get cut into wedges, rather than coming tiny and rectangular already in a cardboard box, with the handy warning: "Caution, filling is hot" - which is especially helpful if one's VR goggles' spellchecker doesn't alert one that HOT might be a trait one finds in a "Hot Apple Pie".
All in all, Haugen's does solid chicken, great fries, retro-goofy sauce, and ok ribs, in a place whose parking lot isn't full of Benz G-Class SUVs, whose 4 wheel drive was only activated once, when Bevery's new Coach bag accidentally nudged the shifter, forcing her to hire a handyman (who still has the use of his upper-appendages) and interrupting his self-seasoning, to shift it back for her. Thankfully she didn't have to Uber over to the mani-pedi-bar. Disaster averted! ;)
OK, I'm done, lol, enjoy the food ;)
3.5 out of 5 read more