I think I'm at the wrong place.
My trusty phone tells me I am 3 metres away from Red Chilli Szechuan Restaurant but it also says I am 22 metres away from Red Chilli Szechuan Restaurant. I was trying to go to the one Dave reviewed but I couldn't find it so I rang the phone number and they just yelled at me me, the only thing I understood was 'number 8!' which I just assumed was a Chinese numerology thing and that I shouldn't come because I would bring bad luck.
Then I saw a sign in Dixon St and wandered up the stairs to a first floor place that claimed to be Red Chilli Szechuan Restaurant.
So now I'm looking at Yelp and trying to work out why there are two places on it, each with the same name, 22 metres apart in the biggest city in Australia. Should I do a runner and try and find Daves place?
Or not.
I stay.
Mistake one.
Just got asked what I'd like and I had to say 'I don't know' because I couldn't say 'A completely different Restaurant please'
Oh God that's torn it, tea has arrived and been poured, some into my cup but most onto the floor and the table.
The menu is actually heavy. It's leather bound, about 2 foot by 4 foot and 189 pages long.
I'm gonna stay - can't waste a pot of tea.
I just tried to order prawns Szechuan style but it didn't work. Apparently I also have to order the sauce. In a blind panic I pointed at Kung Pao which I thought was a dish not a sauce? Other diners are starting to stare at me.
Hey this tea is pretty good!
Szechuan Kung Pao Black Bean Chop Suey Stir Fried Hot Pot prawns with idiot white person sauce arrives. Covered in dried weapons grade atomic chillies. Which, as it happens, are red. How do I know they are nasty? I ate one in full view of the next table to show off and try and gain some credibility. Mistake 2.
So - the bathrooms are conveniently close to the dining room and, if you have to spend seven minutes restoring oxygen to your body by a series of convulsive fits, they are probably better than the main dining area, especially as the restaurant has filled up significantly.
I assume that dish is called 'Kung Pao' because that's the exact noise my eardrums made when they burst. I now have a case of tinnitus that I am worried can be heard by others in the room.
The prawns can be eaten if special care is taken to remove them from the plate with kevlar gloves and industrial tongs and eat them in a hypobaric chamber on the other side of the restaurant, behind a pillar where I can't even see those chillies.
In walks a group of people I know. Seriously, this is ridiculous. My old friend Heydon has just walked in, presumably lost like I was. He asked if I was OK and I had to say no and could he please ring my mother.
Righto, I think I am fit to try and speak with management and see if my lips still work. 'Bill preeese?' I articulate, I think.
I am going to see if I can find Daves place, I just saw a tip on Yelp that you have to enter through Little Hay St.
This place is good but the food is a little spicy. read more