At the Prospect Park dog run in Park Slope, the blandest of the neighborhood's canine-bearing…read moreconstituency congregate to divulge meandering discourse on the day's events and, worst of all, to pretentiously psychoanalyze their dogs, right down to the last bark and sniff.
The Scene:
Gathered in the meadow area of Prospect Park, roughly 12 people are loafing around as their canine companions gallop and trot in circles, entertaining themselves in ways that only dogs know how. A quaint, well groomed Maltese named Delila has strayed from the pack. Although in no immediate danger, Delila has caught the eye of a rambunctious young Boxer named Baxter. Baxter has been subject of controversial ramblings withing the dog run community, mostly from owners of small dogs, who feel that his status as an un-neutered, large dog poses a threat to their pooches.
In the blink of an eye, Baxter takes off and slides in behind a startled Delila. Like a true pro, Baxter dislodges his lipstick from its case, mounts Delila, and launches into a series of rhythmic hip thrusts. The petite Maltese lets a little yelp, which loosely translates to : "Make this happen, Big Daddy, make this happen!" This impromptu episode of canine copulation alarms some nearby dog parents, who immediately spring into action, prying the mischievous mutts apart. As he is being dragged away, Baxter stares down at the grass forlornly, knowing that he was only seconds away from Milking the Bone.
Two different dog owners agree to guard Delila and Baxter while their respective owners meet underneath "The Understanding Tree" to discuss what has just transpired. Baxter's master is Jacob, a 29 year old investment banker who finds new music by plugging in Arcade Fire on Amazon.Com and finding out what other users purchased. Audrey, doting dog mother to Delila, is a 32 year old, Harvard educated attorney who puts in 80+ hours a week at a well known white shoe law firm in midtown Manhattan. By all accounts, the dog run IS her social life, albeit a small one at that. With their dogs safely apart, Jacob and Audrey delve into a analysis of Baxter's play for Delila:
Audrey: I think Delila was leaving the dog circle to have some alone time
Jacob: Baxter sensed she was in danger, so he was attempting to draw her back in.
Audrey: Draw her back in...doggy style?
Jacob: Baxter would never harm Delila!
Audrey: If I understand the manner in which he was panting, I suppose Baxter was trying to communicate his anxiety and fears over the potential loss of Delila to the rest of the group. And the way he moped and frowned when we pulled them apart...he was sad because he feared that Delila still might be in danger.
Jacob: That's what I'm telling you, Audrey. *Audrey and Jacob hug as the remainder of the dog run parents erupt into applause.*
What most of the dog run parents fail to realize is that Baxter was just trying to get laid. In fact, if the dog run parents followed Baxter's example and tried to get laid themselves, they would likely spend fewer hours at the dog run assembling a master's thesis on Canine Psychology.
In some alternate universe, the dogs are running the show, and they bring the people to the people run, and talk about real dog stuff.
Jack Russel: Dude, did you smell that Bichon Frise ass over on Garfield Place this morning? That was off the hook!
Dobie Pincher: Was it rubbed up against the fire hydrant near the corner of 7th???
Jack Russel: That's the one!
Dobie Pincher: I KNOW her man...that's the crazy thing. I saw her once at the people run...with no human!
Scotty Dog: What kinda a broad comes to the people run with no people?
Dobie: Same kind that rubs her ass on every street lamp between here and 12th Street. *laughs*
Scotty: Here comes Bull Dog.
Bully: Hey boys...wanna get together and play poker later?
Dobie: Poker? What does this look like? A painting?
*laughs*
Bully: Kiss my ass, Dobie!
Dobie: Not my type, tubby!
Jack Russel: Yo Scotty. Your human is following that chick behind the tree over there.
Scotty: That's cool. He definitely needs to get laid.