There are a few things that always make me wary of any food-and-or-beverage establishment. One is any daily special that includes the word 'soylent'. Another is proximity to open sewage or Robin Thicke performances (which, as far as I can figure, are the same thing.).
Another is immaculate-looking chefs.
True story: before I realised that I could just as easily cop abuse, collect scars and teeter on the brink of a nervous breakdown by dating the guys I used to date, I used to be a chef. When I worked the pans, in lieu of make-up I wore a disgruntled scowl, and, sometimes, a look akin to that of a bunny who's just woken up from nappy-noos to find a hunting rifle nestled snugly into her warren. On the few occasions on which I did wear make-up (rookie mistakes, all), it was worn not so much exclusively on the areas for which god/Napoleon Perdis intended it, rather, it sort of worked itself into a homogeneous mess of cosmetics, sweat, tears and goose fat, distributed all over my face.
The chef at Seven Seeds, on the other hand, is a totally different story. Not only is she much more attractive than a breakfast chef should rightly be (think of Horatio Sanz's character in Road Trip), but she somehow managed to look spectacular at noon. That's like, 6 hours into a shift. And that ain't right.
Honestly, she looked like she was about to turn around, place an unrealistically well-plated dish on the pass, smile disarmingly into a lens and start talking about her super fund.
But let's forget about the implausibly good looking kitchen staff. Seven Seeds, as you might already be aware, is a brand of coffee popular in Melbourne. Which is a big deal. We love our coffee. Most of us. Living in Melbourne and NOT liking coffee is sort of like getting into heaven when you never believed in God. You just kinda do shifty-eyes and slink around hoping that no one notices and shouts "Hey! You're not one of us!" and you get kicked out to Hell/Bendigo. That's me. Not a coffee drinker. Needless to say I don't get too worked up when a place has like nine methods of coffee production and twice as many places of origin. Or something. See? I don't even know if that's a thing. But apparently that's one of the major draws at Seven Seeds and maybe that's why I didn't think the place was much chop.
But there's more. I went to SS on a Thursday with my (coffee-enthusiast) boyfriend Bumpsy, and his out-of-towner mum. Being vegetarians who don't eat sweets at breakfast, Bumpsy and I are always limited in our options. He ordered the balsamic mushrooms with poached egg, I ordered the heirloom tomato medley with cauliflower cream and poached egg, and his mum ordered poached eggs with added sides of bacon and tomato.
Nowwwww... as hospo workers who do a lot of breakfasts out, Bumpsy and I are pretty tough to dazzle. But I have to say I wasn't hugely impressed. The heirloom tomato dish was eggs on toast with a few unusual and pretty tomato varieties atop; the cauliflower puree failed to make it interesting. Bumpsy's mushrooms weren't too bad, but GlamourChef left them sitting under the pass lights (in our full view) for about ten minutes while she filled the rest of our order. Somehow the eggs were still warmish and nicely runny, so she gets points for that. And her liquid eyeliner of course. Which, by contrast, wasn't runny at all.
Then there was the poached eggs with two sides. Extensive breakfasting experience assures me that eggs on toast with bacon and tomato should cost less than twenty bucks. Which this did. Fifty cents less. So... that's *nineteen-fifty* for eggs on toast with a bit of bacon and four cherry tomatoes. Yes - four cherry tomatoes. For $4. I was never very good at maths but even I know that's a buck per cherry tomato. At my wage that's three minutes work, per cherry tomato. Now, I know everything is expensive now and cherry tomatoes are included under the 'everything' umbrella. But that seems kinda... like... extortion? No, that's too strong. It was just a hipster rip-off, and that's the worst kind of rip-off.
The windowed coffee lab might earn Seven Seeds a bonus point (though I was disappointed that the girl testing the coffee had neither lab coat nor clipboard), as might the production room (which looks like it could feasibly be the control room for an interstellar mission). The indoor bike rack I'm not sure about: innovative ingenuity or hipster gimmick? Because that is the worst kind of gimmick.
Overall: Not terrible, but I won't be going back. If I could give it 2.5 stars I would, but I'm not feeling like it's a 3. read more