Let me state unequivocally I believe Stillwater is a SAFE, amazing, and wonderful place. I have a 16 year old son in the program and will make myself available to talk with you personally if you wish to hear in more detail why I have this opinion. You can reach me at steve@teglovic.com.
My wife and I searched far and wide: googling, researching, asking therapists, friends, and others. Unfortunately, information for any program is sparse across the board; even when available, it is simply hard figuring out a good match and feeling confident you are making the best choice for your particular situation...
Here are some of my personal insights, your mileage may vary:
Hardest Decision:
For me, sending my child away to be cared for by strangers, is the HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE. I was racked by fear they would be molested, mistreated, or simply warehoused... I was consumed by my failure as a parent to guide them successfully into the future... and by the time I had made the decision to seek out-of-home long term care/therapy, I was: exhausted, beaten down, defeated in every way. Yet I was faced with making the hardest decision of my life, at a time I had the least emotional resource to help sort through it. Stillwater recognized this... and communicated with me in a way that was helpful, knowing where I was at, in the pit of despair and hopelessness.
Safety:
Efficacy aside, the most important issue weighing on my mind was safety. What I found at Stillwater is your child will be: SAFE, well cared for, and surrounded by professionals who are skilled, experienced therapists and teachers (and in my opinion, also wonderful caring people). Your child will have significant, daily contact and oversight, from over a dozen adults EVERY SINGLE DAY. This broad exposure to many adults is part of their process and practice, however, it unintentionally (but beneficially) creates an operational structure insuring your child will be safe and not mistreated. It gives your child many adults to turn to, each adult knowing your child with insight into them. In my opinion it would be impossible for a staff member or other child to abuse, bully, or treat poorly your child without being quickly discovered.
Money:
Yes it is unbelievably expensive... If you are fortunate to have good insurance (Aetna in my case), it will make it "almost" affordable. Stillwater can also direct you to organizations who can probably give you loans, but yes, the loan terms are terrible. But what can you do? It's just one more of the string of very difficult choices and decisions you are faced with.
Will they "fix" your child:
No...
There is no magic pill, no magic program, no magic treatment...
However, Stillwater is absolutely helping my son see the world in a different way, helping him learn ways to think about his decisions and actions in a new, and healthier way... He is calm, unstressed, wonderful to be around right now. Will he be that way after he finishes the program and comes home... I doubt it, because at Stillwater he is living in a very structured, safe, low stress, calm place... the real world is not that way. But my hope is he will be better able to navigate the rough seas of reality when he comes home.
The HARD TRUTH:
You are "part" of the problem... are you ready to deal with that?
Stillwater will help you on "your" journey as well. I'm not saying you are a bad person, your child's not a bad person and neither are you... but you are part of the problem.
Personally I have two older children, both raised in the same home, same family, and they are doing fine... I must be at least an adequate parent? Nope, I'm not. However, I will get better at it, hopefully improving enough to help my son become a happy and productive adult when he comes home.
An analogy for you might be: you're a football coach and your other kids are football players, and everything went great, but now you have a child whom is a golfer and you just need to learn more about golf. Or, it could be that a bunch of your child's baggage AND your baggage needs to be opened, explored, and dealt with. I've come to my own realization that it is a false belief that some kids are just broken/bad/problems by nature. No, they become broken through their actions and ours. read more