I'm what one might consider a "down-to-earth" sort of guy. I love long drives in the ol' station wagon with my best girl, late night excursions to roadside diners for apple pie topped with cheddar cheese, and the occasional roadside attraction. Having checked off the other two items on my road trip to-do list with my significant other, the two of us decided it might be nice to make a spur-of-the-moment stop at Cowboy Town. We were headed to Seattle from our home state of Missouri, and we each had the desire to indulge ourselves in a slice of Midwestern Americana before we exited the geographical region.
Had I known what horrors awaited us in Cowboy Town, I would have laid on the gas pedal with an anchor's heft until my car's speedometer swung to its extreme right -- leaving the potemkin village (and a trail of burnt rubber) in our tracks without looking back.
As we stepped foot into the Buffalo Ridge Country Store, my better half recoiled in disgust.
A black ooze tinted with vile streaks of puce refraction dripped from the rafters, staining the blouse she'd thrifted earlier on during our trip.
Its smell could hardly put into words. It was as if pain and sorrow itself had been made manifest in olfactory form.
"I do apologize," drawled the impossibly short, yet supple man peeking out from behind the store's register.
"We've been meaning to get that fixed."
He seemed to smirk as he said this, ducking into the stockroom to leave me and my lady alone among the BRCS' curious wares: taffies in cellophane, wind-up chattering teeth, handmade soaps, and a single wooden Indian chief whose whittled phallus extended at the press of a hidden button. Its hedonist aura chilled me to the marrow of my bones.
Unimpressed and unsettled by the shop's selection of curios, the GF and I tried our luck in Cowboy Town, an animatronic village built nearby. As we left, I noticed the shopkeep's sunken eyes poking through the slats of the storeroom's venetian blinds. It was as if he were eagerly waiting for us to leave.
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I'll keep it brief: Cowboy Town is a realm so far removed from all that is spiritually right in the world that you can feel your sense of order and belonging leave your body as you draw nearer. It is in a state of decay. Foul animatronic facsimiles of our 3rd most respectable Commander-In-Chief, Abe Lincoln, trailblazing frontiersmen, and the Native Americans who once populated the Dakotas are propped up in slipshod shacks, bringing shame to the legacy of the figures they were modeled after.
These are truly creations formed in the image of man.
Upon seeing a lineup of 4 uniformed sailors soundlessly singing -- the mouths of these figures move, but they make no noise -- I was filled with an inexplicable rage. I felt cheated out of an afternoon. I felt the otherworldly digits of demons outstretched for my soul.
And I wanted none of it.
We stormed back to the Country Store, and towards the parking lot, only to be stopped in our tracks by the loathsome little shopkeep.
"And just where do you two think you're going?", asked the the subhuman worm, rubbing his gnarled, goblin-like hands together.
"Out from this wretched place."
"Not before," he said, feebly pointing towards a well-hidden sign mounted on the BRCS' back wall. "You pay."
The odious excuse for a human being demanded we cough up a cool sixteen bucks before we hit the road, but not before offering us a gift: the anatomically correct Indian figurine.
I begrudgingly accepted the gift, turned without a word of thanks, and proceeded to smash it to smithereens beneath the back tires of the ol' wagon before hopping back on the highway.
I'm just a simple guy. I don't take chances. read more