I brought my baby Deloris in for a coolant leak service. Paid $2,000. Left with a possessed clone, with a faulty engine, that wheezed like a chain-smoking British butler having a stroke at Buckingham Palace. My real Rover? Vanished. Cloned faster than a hungover Key West bartender cuts limes during University of Florida TriDelta spring break on Duval street. (Go Gators!)
Since Deloris went missing, it's been like a scene out of a film directed by Academy Award-winning director Steven Spielberg, except instead of Jurassic World, this is my world, and Land Rover just lives in it. Instead of being Chris Pratt the raptor whisperer, I feel like the Marisa Tomei of Range Rover fraudulent clones. Slaughtered pigs. LOUD WHISTLES! I haven't slept in three days. Is there any more shit we could pile on to the top of the outcome of this case?
AirTags breeding in my house like glitter at a strip club. I find them in drawers, plants, probably even my damn fridge. A random dealership goon straight out of My Cousin Vinny dropped off the illegally cloned vehicle, that they quite literally cloned to appear as the original model, in my driveway, with NO KEYS, effectively blocking my ability to not only safely exit my private property, but hindered my ability to care for my Certified Emotional Support Animal. I personally don't know how Land Rover Palm Beach or Myer's Auto Group sleeps at night.
Needless to say, the Attorney General and Feds are investigating this deeply criminal situation into Land Rover Palm Beach's fraudulent business practices.
Stay tuned for my first witness, Lee Schadt, who sold me my vehicle's limited warranty. I truly believe Mr. Schadt is an innocent bystander in this, and must be protected at all costs.
But nonetheless, I was barricaded inside of my house while in my negligee like some sort of mob wife, like I'm Tony Soprano, in some sort of low budget heist movie. I feel like Princess Peach who already defeated Bowzer at the end of Nintendo 64, but make it 'Gone-in-60 Seconds-meets-Harriet-the-Spy.'
Everyone's lawyers just need to meet their billable hours first, I suppose. Plus, the Land Rover Service Manager, Conor Alexander, needs to call Mr. Morgan at Morgan & Morgan for forging my signature for the rental after telling me that he would have one delivered to me 'on the DL' in-writing via text. At this point, I'm honestly just waiting for DMX to start rolling the credits for my life. Deloris wasn't perfect, but she was mine. I earned every mark and every scar she received. I also have extensive photos and videos containing metadata showing before and after comparisons of the illegal clone versus the original.
I'm considering making a scrapbook to Federal Express to the dealership to display on their coffee table next to the peppermint jar.
Anyway, this whole experience feels almost as crazy as that time someone in a pink Hello Kitty sweater told me he burned down a Diary Queen at the funny farm. Things are getting so bad that I can't even take the trash without being approached by a man wearing a 1776 hat handing me a mini-Jesus figurine. This, after finding a cross on top of my hot water heater inside my garage next to the fraudulent imposter that says 'God Bless' on it.
It's so bad that my neighbor Joe brought over Holy Water. I shit you not.
I wish I was kidding as people are now convinced Land Rover Palm Beach has put some kind of curse on me that somehow massively backfired, and now I am still, once again, floating in a plastic bag like the Pufferfish in Finding Nemo saying, 'Now What?'
Anywhoo, if you enjoy your car being identity-thefted, your property turned into a fraudulent pop-up dealership and being traumatized out of your utter skull, I would only recommend Land Rover Palm Beach if your bucket list includes getting psychologically waterboarded by luxury car salesmen. This situation has gotten so out of hand, my therapist needs therapy for it. I'm actually considering putting it on my resume.
P.S. If this Yelp review vanishes and I'm found floating in the Intracoastal wearing nothing but a Land Rover Palm Beach 'Datura Auto' rental key fob, just know that Datura Auto Rentals 'Done Did It with Land Rover Palm Beach. This, after wrongfully threatening me, in-writing, with a third-degree felony.
Bruh, I never even got DETENTION in high school. Not even once! Except for that one time I got in trouble in class for talking too much, but this is just like a bridge too far, ya know?
Quite frankly, if I were ever asked to recommend Land Rover Palm Beach to a prospective customer, I'd rather drive a rusty golf cart straight into the northern Atlantic as if I were the last passenger escaping the Titantic.
At one point during this fiasco, I expected a mysterious figure to emerge from the bushes, hand me a cryptic USB drive, and whisper, "The answers are in Monaco."
(STARES UPWARD TO INDICATE HER THINKING OF ANYTHING ELSE)
Is it possible?
(SIGNALS HAND GESTURE)
Fin. read more