It feels weird writing a review for a church - as they say: judge not, lest ye be judged! and by a…read morereview I mean the novella you're about to see below and completely ignore since it's so hideously long... A few disclaimers first: my experience is a couple of years old so perhaps certain things have changed. Also as luck would have it, the priest whom I actually really liked ended up leaving - nothing personal I think! Finally, of the various churches available for grand occasions, especially the cattle call that is the Central church, this one is by far the best option in my opinion. I love the architecture, the colors, the size, the location, the courtyard, the parking - everything about it basically. There were no disasters on the big day and everything went pretty smoothly. The ceremony lasted longer than expected but I lived to tell the tale...
This church charges more than others to cover 3 mandatory counseling sessions - which was a lovely surprise all round. Their phone greeting goes something like this: "Allo and tank u for calling St. Gregory the 'Eliminator'..." I had visions of the priest dressed as the Terminator blasting everyone away with his pump action crucifix!
We enter and are greeted by an older gentleman, on the shorter side by my standards, though most people are. He has white hair, glasses and a pleasant manner about him; we say we have an appointment with the priest. "This way" he says showing us to the priest's office while he goes off to fetch him. The office is large and cool, the window open and the breeze blowing the curtain all the way up- this priest must have very low tolerance for heat - maybe a reminder of hell's discomfort. The man returns to ask if we know which priest we're scheduled to see, we sheepishly confess that we have no idea - he pretends to be appalled - we pretend to care. We also express our unhappiness with the late scheduling of the appointment. He explains that it was because the office manager was absent for a while, then because the priest was on vacation and finally because even though the manager was there and the priest had returned, his schedule could not be found! So as u can see having friends in high places was definitely not helping these people get their act together. He also revealed that he was in fact the priest! Ta-daaa!! Strange...
Counseling session 1 covered the mechanics of the ceremony - our only task was to reply yes every once in a while and we'd be out of there in 40 minutes tops! He also mentioned that if the bride chooses to say no, there are always sisters or cousins to choose from, so no need to panic. Nice to see a priest with a sense of humor. I think. The happiest of discoveries was that there really are no rules about the church procession - who goes first, who walks in with whom, who waits at the alter, who sits where, none of it really matters- it all depends on how the wedding party, or more accurately the Bridezilla wants to arrange it. Best of all, that hideous veil does not need to cover one's face upon entering the church- u can do so unveiled, so to speak. Who knew! He actually recommended that look as the veil tends to interfere with photos! Again nice to see such a progressive priest, and who am I to oppose a man of god?! And so I decided that there would be no bloody veil covering my face on the day - thank u very much! Rebel without a veil - that's me.
Session 2 was more torturous and made us long for the logistics lesson of the previous week. We had to define 'love' for him, which after an agonizing guessing game, turned out to be a lot simpler than we'd realized: love apparently means acceptance. And there u have it. Nothing more, nothing less. I accept u - u accept me. We accept each other. The world is a happy clappy merry-go-round. Love = the opposite of rejection. Fabulous.
In the 3rd and mercifully final installment, we were subjected to the realities of life post-wedding, because after all, a marriage is not for only one day, or 10 days or 10 years, or even as long as it takes to become a U.S. citizen, but FOREVER; here they made us part with the final payment - money owns this town after all. In return we learned three 'passwords' to ensure success in our future life together, though strictly speaking only one is a single word: respect. Followed by the less tidy: apology & forgiveness and finally, and most messily of all: unselfishness & sacrifice. Naturally these golden rules need to be exercised by both parties otherwise it's just plain abuse and a surefire way to quickly join the divorce statistics. So there ya go. We covered a lot of basic, common sense concepts catered not so much for the young, but for the brainless - which makes u wonder: wouldn't it be easier to bypass the whole silliness and just charge the happy couple less for the service to begin with?!
In closing: if u have to do your ceremony at a church, it might as well be this one!
