I had an amazing review written & Yelp didn't save the draft.... GRRRR!…read more
I'm guessing if you are reading this, like us, you not only lost beautiful, talented, smiling daughter, but also the expected future all of you were working toward. Yes?
We are 1.5 years out from our girl coming home from Red Hawk (RH). I am very comfortable in saying that the difficult decision of sending her to Red Hawk not only saved our daughter's life, but also saved our family. While it has been full of ups and downs, it also keeps getting better and better. Not in obvious ways, but, when we think back to how we all behaved before RH, it is easy to see how far we have come. Its kind of like being away from your infant and noticing just how much they grew.
I'm a DIY person, so to put it in terms of saving an old & beautiful home...
Red Hawk is the qualified specialty contractor that works with a damaged & crumbling foundation. RH takes the time to figure out the root of the damage, fix the underlying problem, then strengthen and rebuild the foundation. That may seems like a small thing especially given the cost, but think of all the new possibilities that old house can have for a long future... IT IS PRICELESS!
Red Hawk doesn't roll back time to give you a "fixed" version of your daughter, BUT, you will likely have to have a daughter that can handle events of the past and move toward building a new and different future. As a parent, can you hope for anything more?
Finally, I want to share the most important and hardest things we have learned since our girl came home:
1. Stop grieving for the little girl of the past. She will be hyper-sensitive to your cues. It under-cuts her progress to be reminded of something she can never be again.
2. She did the hard work at RH, now is the parents turn to work hard. Mostly we struggled at changing our knee-jerk reactions, respecting the 'new' person she is and building trust. IT IS HARD, but so very worth it! (The work is not just with your girl, but also with each other, her sibs and extended family...yep. But, it does get easier.)
3. Listen to her when she speaks, recap and ask if what you think she said is what she means. Especially if If you are adding meaning between her words. It is easy to apply a grown-up's understanding and thoughts when she is speaking as a teenager. When I added my interpretation of her words to our conversations, it was eye-opening to see how much better our overall relationship became.
4. She will want to vent her emotions - stay with her the whole time without provoking her. Be patient and somewhat detached so you don't escalate the explosion.. Let her use her words even if they hurt. Once the steam has blown-off, patiently bring her back to have a conversation of what she needs wants or has going on. (Early on it was one of the only times she was honest with her thoughts.)
5. Do not spoon feed her solutions. Let her work for the best outcome for HER, not you.
6. Remove the word "just" from your vocabulary. Think about a sentence when its used, I bet 9 out of 10 times it implies her efforts are worthless and make her feel like she is a failure. (I learned the hard way when she spat the words back at me while blowing-off a head of steam.)
Going back to the "old House" analogy:
We have the foundation repaired. The structure is being fixed or replaced, and now we are working together on a better flow to the floorplan. Its hard living in a construction project, but all of us look forward to the picking wall colors & furniture!
We are forever grateful to everyone at Red Hawk!