This is a long one, buckle up, it's worth the read*
Our mother moved into The Arbors in 2024. I live out of state; my sibling lives in Reno.
To get into your family member's room, you either have to have a key, knock on their door and hope they open it, or try to locate a staff member to let you in their room. Here begins the issues. Staff is minimal. You have to walk around to try and find someone to let you in your family member's room. Often I found all of the staff members clustered in a rm. talking.
One day I got there right before the start of lunch. I sat at the table with Mom, waiting for her food. No one brought my Mom food. I got up, walked to the kitchen. I told them, "Mom didn't get her food." They were surprised. "X, didn't get her food?" No, I said,, I brought it back to her. While she was eating, I noticed another resident who had been placed in a chair and left alone. I noticed another resident who was at a table eating his food with his hands because he had no silverware. I looked back over at the lady who was trying to walk around on her own. I realized she was about to fall. I jumped up and caught her.
My 2nd trip, mother had been placed into hospice care @ Arbors. 2 other family members flew at the same time, there were 3 of us, + my sibling. My mom's sister, retired cancer nurse. She came in, recognized mom's needs, and jumped in. She bought medical supplies & other things Mom needed, w her own money. She did this out of love for her sister. She talked to the staff, she told them what Mom needed, she asked if it was okay that she bought and changed Mom's bandages and took care of her bedsores. THEY SAID YES! Two days later, my two family members were called into the director's office. The director completely bitched them out because my aunt was helping my Mom so much. At some point, the director called my sister because she is the person listed on the paperwork, and my sister listened over the phone. While talking, my aunt was gesturing with her hands (as we all do). The director told my aunt, as she was talking, "I feel threatened!" (because of her hand gestures). My cousin got a shocked look on her face. The director looked at my cousin and said, "What is that look about?"
Because I had an appointment of my own, I was not there for this conversation. But indeed, in separate conversations with my sister, aunt, and cousin, I was told the same things: HOW HORRIBLE and DEMEANING the director was! Now keep in mind, we have all flown in full well knowing Mom, who lives in memory care, is on hospice, and this could full well be our last days with her. We just wanted to help. My aunt just wanted to help and had asked staff if bandage changes, etc., were okay. THEY SAID YES. The director, however, told me that her staff all know it wasn't okay and quoted, "they would never say it's okay because we are a NON-MEDICAL FACILITY." I said to the director, " I am not here to talk about policies or regulations. I am here to talk about the way my cousin and aunt were treated." I told her, "You could have just as easily told them to please not change the bandages or apply bedsore cream WHILE still leaving my aunt and cousin feeling respected, loved, and appreciated." But that is NOT how my family left her office feeling. Indeed, my aunt...a nurse, cancer nurse of 40 years, a provider who has walked with families to the very end of life more times than can be counted, left the director of The Arbor's office in tears, feeling broken, devalued, and worthless. My aunt just wanted to be able to help and say goodbye to her sister in a way that was meaningful, healthy, and productive, in a way where she knew she could help. THAT EXPERIENCE WAS NOT GIVEN TO HER. I understand policies, rules, and regulations. However, the director has ZERO understanding of compassionate communication that leaves everyone feeling valued, understood, and respected, while still following policies. I mean, think about it, have you EVER heard of health care providers telling the family of a dying loved one that they CANNOT HELP?! She talked to my aunt and cousin as if they had been called into the principal's office. My aunt left in tears; they flew home that very day. The director said to me, "It's not my fault they decided to go home. Nothing could keep me from my sister!" To that I say...soooo we are supposed to just sit around and watch my mom suffer in situations where we know we can help? No, it's not her fault they flew out that night. But had she been more respectful...they would have stayed.
I'm so mad that my family was dismissed, devalued, ignored. Mom won't remember all that happened. But we will. *EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US SHOULD BE ABLE TO SAY GOODBYE TO OUR LOVED ONE WITHOUT THE DIRECTOR MAKING US FEEL LIKE A WORM UNDER HER SHOE! RETHINK YOUR CHOICE OF THE MEMORY CARE FACILITY* edit: a key to access your family member's rm. can be made. I wasn't tld I couldn't help my mom. read more
