Always telling it like it is ...
I'll have to respectfully disagree with Mr. Fieri here.
I was 'in the area' and 'in the area' for this place means 'I was 30 miles away from it' so I decided to work Texas Pride into the day as I religiously do anything the Food Network tells me to do (I'm washing Nigella's car later today).
The place is hard to miss as the only things within a 20 mile radius are Pluto and Uranus (tempting as it is, I leave this line suchly -- darn suchly should be a word, let me modify that to 'as such'). Of course getting into the actual grub proved much more challenging as doors and signs are labeled this and that and the cowboy (who was actually on a horse) was much more interested in flirting with a milf than helping yours truly inside (not that I blame him there, but unfortunately for him, when you make that decision, you get some smart ass pointing you out on the internet).
I finally make it inside, and since I'm always well prepared, and had already combed their website beforehand and decided I was getting the 'Hungry Texan'. Apropos name indeed. I figured I'd run the gamut of the selections here since it's not right around the corner. According to their website, the Hungry Texan comes with 4 sides and 4 meats (brisket, ribs, sausage, and turkey) for a penny shy of 34. According to the sign at the actual restaurant, the Hungry Texan comes with all that except for the turkey for that same price. Excellent way to piss me off to start off things. I never did eat any turkey and it still shows on the website as being part of the Hungry Texan as of the time of this review. Utterly amazes me how business can't get hours, location, and menu correct on the internet.
All the food, including the meats, are already out there in HeatLampville (smells like another trademark for me) which doesn't exactly put the appetite on 'devour'. The pit master took my order, however, in this case, the young tike looked more like an 'Arm Pit Master'. He was probably more skilled in making unsavory noises out of his armpit than purveying some delicious Q. He threw together 6 of my (now) 7 (since the turkey wasn't actually part of this Hungry Texan) items in about 4 seconds. Now it was down to the brisket. He ended up giving me 3 Flinestoneesque carvings of the Brontosaurus, uh, er brisket. A prime rib carver would have been jealous on the thickness here. The four sides I settled on were pinto beans, green beans, cole slaw, and cheesy potatoes.
I grab my tray and head into the charming dining room. They had a table with some fixins on it (pickles, etc.) and shockingly had some other bread in addition to the white loafs. I'm not sure what Texans' utter obsession with white bread is, but maybe it's BBQ tradition or those bread companies are from here or something else. Free your minds. Props to Texans Pride for at least another option here. I think I found the Sweet Tea Mecca. Here there were around a dozen large (sorry I don't know what the noun is for those tea containers). Yes I realize sweet tea is not mole sauce or pho soup in its preparation as anyone can drop a tea bag, but somebody has to be on top, and I deem this one on top.
Let's get to the grub, commencing with the sides (sidetracking here: doesn't 'commencing' sound like it should mean ending instead of beginning? or 'befriend' ... that sounds like you purposely stopped being friends ... anywho).
Cheesy potatoes: any item where the two main components are cheese and potatoes is going to work. I'm thinking more places should have this as an option. More meaning all. Even like Baskin Robbins.
Cole slaw: I'm not sure how this one will go over with the masses, but I was down with it. It definitely has the finest cabbage cut of any slaw I've seen
Green beans: uh, grab me a can opener and dig in! Tasted right from the can. Doesn't seem too hard to liven up these from the can, but I'm not seeing it.
Pinto beans: I'm going to refer to these as Ghost Beans. The flavor experience was behind a corridor and came three seconds later; albeit still subtle. OK, I realized I've lost some of you there. My prose may have wandered wayward there, but imagine describing a ghost. It's a, er, a little over there, no, slight noise, wait, over here ... wayward prose indeed. Now a Texas Pride fan would probably say that's from smoking the beans. Hey, who am I to argue?
It's time to meet the meat:
Turkey: Well the turkey was ... wait, that's right ... the website says I get turkey with
the Hungry Texan, and the sign at the counter says no turkey for you!!
Sausage: who doesn't like a big juicy sausage? (uh, ladies please, settle down).
Seemed decent.
Ribs: Certainly had that smoke element to them. Yelp is telling me I need to wrap this thing up so I needed a chainsaw to cut the Brisket and I didn't care at all for the flavor of the BBQ sauce (which they also heated up, which made it worse).
No return trip for me. read more