In this review, I'm going to sing Rick Parsley's 1980's classic:
"Neza Gonna Fill You Up"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ
We're no strangers to Tortas
You know the rolls and so do I
A Torta Puma's what I'm thinking of
I wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you what I'm eating
Gotta make you understand
Neza gonna fill you up
Neza gonna weigh you down
Neza going in my mouth, and yours too
Neza menu, can't decide
Like my girlfriend, wet inside
Neza make your waistline wide, and mine too
What to get: Any Torta. Especially the pork special.
What is a Torta: Basically a Mexican sandwich, there are many types.
Are these ones good: They are not just good. They're the best you'll ever have.
Watch Out: They open later than scheduled and close far earlier than listed (sometimes).
There is a reason why the ship in "The Matrix" (the Nebuchad-tortasneza) is named after this wondrous window of magnificence on Roosevelt in Queens. It's one of the best things you'll ever eat, in NYC or anywhere.
They say "go big or go home", but I decided to break the mold and defy the cliché, and *not* order the "Puma." After all, I'm more of a Reebok guy. But in all seriousness, I just didn't think I could handle anything that huge (that's what she said), and my wallet didn't fancy handling the $13 price tag either. The rest of the Tortas are $8, so I asked him which of those he recommended.
By "him", I mean the genius Galdino Molinero, who as Jando said, is a maestro. His Torta is *the* Torta. His bright purple hair (which may have changed by the time you see him) and his swarthy demeanour belie the truth that he is one of the most talented sandwich-makers on our planet today. If you don't believe me, do what I did, and ask for his best Torta. Whatever you end up eating... will change your life.
I want to say I'm really grateful to Galdino for telling me to get the Torta that he did. I was skeptical at first but I just went with it, and it was unequivocally one of the best things I've ever eaten. He'll tell you what he thinks you should have, if you ask him. Makes things a lot easier for someone who wants to try everything - such as myself. Aren't you curious what the purple-haired Galdino will select for you?
For me, it was the "special of the day", which was a very heavily marinaded pork shoulder (or something thereabouts) which he seemed very eager for me to try. "You wanna pork?" he said. "It's a special. Have the pork." Okay. So I had the pork. Oh my f***ing god did I have the pork.
Well you can see in the pictures, my $8 pork special Torta was hugenormous. It was vastargantuan. It was one of the messiest and juiciest sandwiches I've ever eaten. I can't even describe the taste to you because it is otherworldly and the English language does not do justice to this sandwich. I have had a lot of good sh** in a lot of places and this is one of those things which I crave on a daily basis. The thought of it makes me salivate and cry (sort of like my ex-boyfriend's nether regions, come to think of it).
Is it the best sandwich I've ever eaten? It may be. Is it the best Torta I've had anywhere? By far. There isn't even a competition, and I've had a lot of Tortas. You need to make your way over to Queens and go up to his little window adjoining the Juan Bar on Roosevelt, right in the heart of the greatest food neighborhoods - quite possibly - in the world (Jackson Heights/Elmhurst/Flushing/Corona).
I am literally counting down the days until the next time I am in Queens so I can come back here and get another one of these. I can't figure out if I should get the same one (if he even has that special), or something different. Or both. Mwahaha.
If you only try one sandwich in all of NYC, try this one. If you only eat one Torta in your life, eat this one. It will ruin you for all other Tortas. It. Is. That. Damn. Good.
You've known this torta not so long
Your tum's been aching but
Mouth's too dry to say it
In your bedroom we both know what's been going on (and I promise not to tell anyone on Yelp)
You order a Torta and you're gonna eat it
And if you ask me what I'm packing
(Pulls down pants)
Don't tell me you're too blind to see
Neza gonna fill you up
Neza gonna weigh you down
Neza going in my mouth, and yours too
Neza menu, can't decide
Like my girlfriend, wet inside
Neza make your waistline wide, and mine too read more