It was a Tuesday morning and I was at the crib trying to handle one normal task before noon. My…read moreGerman Altima had been sitting in the driveway for eight months in a state of mechanical reflection, misfiring like it owed somebody three child support payments. I needed a tow to fix and smog. Simple. Routine. The kind of errand a grown man should be able to complete without a film crew.
I called AAA. I'm a Premier member, ten years deep, never asked for so much as a free water bottle. AAA dispatched ERS Towing. Enter Mike.
Mike pulled up to my crib in a flatbed -- emphasis on flatbed, the truck specifically engineered for moving cars that do not run -- and walked around my German Altima like it had personally insulted his mother. He stopped at the bumper. The bumper was aftermarket. Mike, summoning the dramatic energy of a man who had never seen a winch in his entire career, declared the vehicle untowable. A flatbed. Defeated. By a piece of plastic that does not even move.
While this was unfolding, shawty's son Aiden was on my living room floor eating Hot Cheetos with the focused intensity of a CEO reviewing Q3 earnings. Aiden is five. Aiden has those little silver caps on his front teeth and a stare that has historically destabilized grown men, tax accountants, and at least one Lyft driver I know personally. He locked eyes with me through the screen door, mid-Cheeto, and I could feel him judging me AND Mike simultaneously. I have never in my life been on the same side of a conflict as Aiden. The fact that he and I were aligned against ERS Towing was, in retrospect, the first sign I was about to win something larger than a tow.
Dispatch called. Enter Amy. Amy did not yet have a second reason to deny my service -- so Mike, and I want this part read slowly, took an actual photograph of my expired registration sticker and texted it to her, the way a man builds a federal case from his driver's seat. Within 12 business minutes, two unrelated disqualifying issues had been documented, photographed, and triple-archived by two coordinating employees. Neither reason exists in the AAA Member Guide. I have read the AAA Member Guide. Twice. Aiden has probably read it at this point.
My German Altima has adjustable air suspension. The car can literally rise to greet you. The bumper concern was theoretical at best. The expired sticker is not a disqualifier under the AAA contract. Mike and Amy appear to operate from a secret rulebook hand-stitched in the parking lot of a Chevron, possibly inside a Nissan Altima with one working brake light, possibly with Aiden as a consultant.
My theory, served free of charge: the tow destination was a few miles farther than ERS felt like driving on a Tuesday morning, and 'we don't feel like it' sounded less professional than manufacturing two excuses. Long tows are apparently outside the boutique service tier. Greed dressed up as policy. Roadside refusal as a subscription model. I did not subscribe.
I did not get my tow. I did get a documentary. Aiden finished his Cheetos, wiped his hands on the couch, and gave me one slow silver-toothed nod -- the closest he has ever come to validating me as a human being. At that moment I knew I would be writing this review.
One star. ERS Towing -- please return the AAA contract. You don't serve this community. You audition it. Even Aiden agreed, and Aiden agrees with no one. AAA, please send a different contractor next time. Mike and Amy can keep the photograph as a souvenir.
