Food trucks, although far from a new concept are still a favorite of mine. I love being able to…read moresample different delights at the most unlikely of places and right next to each other. Keep in mind, however, just because someone spends the time, money and energy into a food truck, and then plasters the sides with expensive vinyl graphics, doesn't mean the food will be up to snuff. Usually it's pretty good, but not always.
There I was with my daughter at her school on a Sunday and they were having a drive for their summer camp program. All the requisite entertainment was there: bounce houses, face painting, a really lame-ass DJ, snow cones, popcorn, archery (strange), and yes food trucks! Ah, the call of the food truck. The concept is so very intoxicating; they draw me like a moth to a beautiful blue light.
What is better with little kids than a gourmet grilled cheese sandwich? I recall walking to the truck dreaming of toasted pumpernickel with over ripe Camembert and sun dried tomato, basil and capers. OK.. maybe they won't have anything like that, but either way grilled, melted, dairy gooeyness sounds like a winner to me. Considering the only other option was a vegan truck (ever seen the face of a small child eating a quinoa burger or raw taco for the first time?) it was the only realistic option.
So I sauntered up to the window with my three year-old in hand and placed my order with a very polite young man in his early teens. American, mozzarella, ricotta, mac n' cheese, tomato, grilled onions and grilled mushrooms! Wow- sounded like a behemoth! The damage? 10 bucks. Yeeeeesh. $10? That's quite a price tag for a grilled cheese. OK, stay optimistic.
And so I waited....
And I waited some more....
They weren't that busy so how long could it possibly take? Five minutes?
I waited some more. It's only a grilled cheese I pondered.... I took a break from waiting and walked 100 yards to talk to my wife and came back. Still not ready.
Hmmmm. What the hell? Ok, come on - It's a grilled cheese not Chateaubriand! I twiddled my thumbs about 20-25 minutes in total and then it arrived. Finally! I reached up for my paper basket expecting a glow to emanate from the cradle of cheesiness - a melted arc of the dairy farmers covenant. Any yes there it was... a measly 6 ounces of flaccid, half-grilled soggy white bread in all it's -- well -- um, greasy uninspired glory.
It was small and thin with the tumerance of a straight man on a gay porn film set. Considering all those ingredients I expected more - a whole lot more. How about two layers? How about a little crunch? Please?
There really wasn't much to write home about. It had obviously been grilled (warmed) at too low a temperature as there was no texture to the bread. All the butter or grease on the grill had been soaked into the bread and coated my fingers and mouth. The "sauteed" mushrooms were nice and cold from a can, and the "grilled" onions were fresh from the ground and barely warmed. (I actually stood behind the truck at the end and saw that they had forgotten my mushrooms and onions and saw the shaky-handed cook nervously peel the sandwich apart to throw some stuff in at the last second.)
Bottom line - it sucked. How is that for a review? I never thought I would say it but I just did. Sucked. One word that says it all. In complete fairness maybe I should rephrase that - It really, really sucked. I have seen a five year old do better on a Sunday afternoon with some white bread, Velveeta and a toaster oven.
If you're going to specialize in "gourmet" grilled cheese sandwiches with a kick-ass Godzilla image plastered on your truck, rule no. 1 should be that you can at least make a good one. If a gourmet food truck can't make a decent grilled cheese then I guess the next step down is selling bagged chips? What an incredible letdown. I talked to four other parents at the tables and the consensus was unanimous. Overpriced, limp and greasy. In a food truck race these fellows would have a flat at the starting line. Accordingly, I pen this note:
Dear CheeseZilla;
Your truck had me thinking that I was going to be crushed with Godzilla-like flavor. Instead I walked away completely defeated and felt as if my mouth had been attacked by the limp-d**k grease monster.
Thanks, but no thanks. I want a refund.