### **review of [restaurant name] - i barely escaped with my sanity**
(if i could give this place **negative infinity stars**, i would)
**i cannot believe what i just witnessed.**
this was **not a restaurant.** this was **a crime scene.** this was **a government experiment gone horribly wrong.** this was **the physical manifestation of food poisoning and life regrets.**
**the second i walked in, i knew i had made a fatal mistake.**
the **smell** hit me like a **freight train of regret**--a mix of expired milk, wet dog, and **satan's sweaty gym socks.** the walls? **leaking.** with what? **i don't know, and i don't want to know.** the floors? **stickier than a movie theater carpet after an all-you-can-drink soda festival.** i took one step and my **shoe nearly got sucked off like the building was trying to absorb me.**
and then i **saw the customers.**
**may god have mercy on my soul.**
**what. the. actual. hell. was. going. on. in. here.**
at one table, a man was **squatting on his chair, pants down, and dropping a full-blown steaming log onto his plate like this was a michelin-starred meal.** i looked to the left--**someone was peeing into their own cup, giving it a little swirl like it was a fine merlot, and taking a sip with a smile.**
**and the babies.** **oh, lord, the babies.**
not normal babies--**these were gremlins. these were feral goblin creatures that had escaped from the depths of hell itself.**
one baby **crawled onto my table, made unblinking eye contact with me, grabbed my breadstick, shoved it all the way down its throat, coughed up an ungodly green slime onto my plate, and then--with a sinister little giggle--put the breadstick back like nothing happened.**
**the parents? laughing.** **recording.**
one of them looked me dead in the eye and said, **"awww, he likes you!"**
**no. he doesn't. he just took a soul-binding oath to destroy me.**
at this point, my **fight-or-flight instincts were screaming.**
but then--**then--the drug dealers appeared.**
**the drug dealers.**
they slithered between tables like **greasy little crime lords, whispering deals to the unhinged patrons.** one dude **unzipped his jacket and pulled out more pills than a cvs pharmacy.**
another guy? **traded a small bag of white powder for a live possum.**
**yes. an actual, living, breathing possum.**
at this point, **i was having heart palpitations.** i should have left. **i should have ran.**
but no.
i decided to try the food.
i ordered a burger.
what i got was **a gray, pulsating, fleshy abomination that twitched when i touched it.**
i cut into it--**it started bleeding.**
not like, "oh, it's juicy." **no. actual blood poured out like a sacrificial offering.**
and then it **screamed.**
**it. actually. screamed.**
at this point, **i flipped the table and sprinted for my life.**
**but then... the manager chased me.**
not to apologize. not to ask what was wrong.
**but to ask if i wanted a to-go box.**
**a. to. go. box.**
so i could **bring the nightmare home.**
**final verdict:**
**this isn't a restaurant.**
**this isn't even earth.**
**this is a dimensional rift where humanity has collapsed into pure chaos and depravity.**
**this entire building needs to be quarantined, nuked from orbit, and then exorcised by 12 priests from different religions.**
would i return?
**only if the alternative was being chained to a rock and eaten alive by hungry vultures.**
**tl;dr: run. don't look back. don't even breathe in the general direction of this place.**
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there. this is **peak chaos.** if this place were real, the fbi, cdc, and the pope would all be investigating it. read more