Like a good point guard to a basketball coach, Tuscan food gives a chef so many options that you really can't go wrong. Or can you? Point guards are unremarkable in casual basketball terms. Tuscan food is largely unremarkable in terms of global cuisine. Trae Young, the best point guard in college basketball, is 6'2". Tuscan bread is bland - no salt. Point guards aren't necessarily fast. Chauncey Billups, Magic Johnson, Sam Cassel all have Championship rings but none of them would ever by described as fast. Ain't nothing fast about fagioli. Tuscans love their beans but to get them right you must soak them over time. Last and probably most importantly, there are some truly incredible point guards that are legitimate jerks. Chris Paul, Rajon Rondo and John Stockton just to randomly name a few. Mario Chalmers has multiple rings with the Miami Heat and my first search on Reddit came with the phrase, "A-List Asshole." Spelt, buckwheat, barley and emmer wheat also know as farro, are all staples of Tuscan but they can be on the annoying side too. If one more food writer announces "Farro is making a comeback" I'll remind them that it's famously high in gluten which I'm proud to coin here, is the "new asshole of food." But, and this is the brilliance of a good point guard like the brilliance of Tuscan food, it is simple, timeless in it's value to the history of Italy and Tuscany and ultimately can be truly remarkable when done with subtlety and intelligence. Alas, Tuscan food is best analogized as the Kyrie Irving of foods. Simple, genius and naturally attractive without a shirt on.
Volterra Restaurant (http://volterrakirkland.com, 121 Kirkland Ave, Kirkland, WA 98033 (425) 202-7201 is a block from my apartment in downtown Kirkland. I was drawn to the restaurant by a quote on the restaurant website from Rachael Ray, "One of my favorite restaurants in the world." Also featured prominently on the website "Free parking on the street and at the Kirkland Public Library." It sits prominently across the street from Trellis next to Kirkland staples like George's and Hector's. Outside looking in the space projects upscale with an open kitchen suggesting a touch of a avant-garde with a heathy dose of pretention. It smells Tuscan with fruity bouquets from generous amounts of fresh vegetables and Italian wine. The hostess seemed baffled by my arrival asking first if I had a reservation as we stood in front of many, many open tables. My friend arrived, and we sat and were quickly greeted by Paul. In all honesty, Paul was the very best part of the restaurant. He was English with a hipster beard and an accent from the south of England (I'm guessing). Let's put a pin in Paul for the moment.
The menu is conventional Tuscan with smattering of rich small plates including mussels and sausage, lamb meatballs and gnocchi. Pasta and entrée choices spanned beef, pork, lamb and shell fish all of which unleashed new levels of hunger. Looks bomb. By the by - menu posted on the website which was last updated on Halloween of 2016 also looks bomb (please reply to the author with an update).
The current menu looked bomb too. I was immediately drawn to the Guanciale. J...O...W...L pasta. I did my normal thing and flirted with the wait staff. Remember that pin we put in Paul. Paul was specific in mentioning both "The Jowl" and the "Wild Boar Tenderloin" choices filled with Tuscan culinary testosterone. Without much grace or patience, we posed the most existential of questions, "what really didn't suck?" Paul was great. He knew wine. He was fun to talk to. He had some shit in his beard. I confirmed desire and ordered J....J... J...O...W...L pasta. He left. We drank. Then the starter, an afterthought, became the surprise of the night. Fungus Corn Pudding (Polenta con Funghi). As I say to my wife so often on date night, "Perfection!" The polenta was buttery smooth, and the fungus sauce was truffle-icious. In some regards it should have been a warning that, "Something Wicked this Way Comes."
As the courses arrived on both sides of the table we both discovered a common theme. Truffle oil. Copious amounts of truffle oil. On the polenta... On the J....J... J...O...W...L pasta. On the beet salad. Really...on the beet salad? I'd happily lap truffle oil off my dog's ass, but for the dollars dropped at Volterra I'd appreciate at least an alternative oil on my noodles. I would have taken sesame come the last course. But alas the downfall of any great, semi known Puget sound dining establishment...laziness and repetition. Volterra has a pattern. Its clientele seems to appreciate it. Ownership seems content with the slow slide into mediocrity. I get it. It's the rain. But Kirkland is Kirkland meaning Volterra will remain a stable revenue generator until either the very young and rich or the very old and rich either develop taste or a desire to live somewhere else.
Trae Young is averaging 30 points a game with 9 assists. Volterra isn't. read more