Date: May 4, 2012
Location: Silky O'Sullivans, The Heart of Beale Street
Case Number: 1234
Time: 12:34 pm
The Poison: "The Bucket"
Offender: Neidrach
Victim: Hudson
Witnesses: The full population of Earth
Details:
It was a very hot afternoon in early May 2012. My best friend from college had come into town for the Beale Street Music Festival. Neidrach and I had partied harder than any other duo at the University of Tennessee at Knoxville, and that's saying something because UT is the biggest, baddest party school in the country. From 2001 through 2005, we ripped that city to shreds, and the only entity strong enough to deter our ravenous quest was graduation. So, seven years later, we resurrected from the ashes of adulthood, girlfriends and jobs to take on Memphis in May.
On the previous night, we partied at the Peabody Hotel's Thursday Rooftop Party, and we met a few girls. Like me, they had grown up in Memphis, and they knew the lay of the land. As we were talking, one of them suggested that Neidrach try "The Bucket" from Silky O'Sullivans.
Neidrach: "What's "The Bucket"?"
Me: "You're not ready for that yet. You can't attempt "The Bucket" if you're buzzed already. You will not remember anything about Music Fest, this weekend, or where you live. "The Bucket" is the reason there are so many homeless people around Memphis; they try "The Bucket", and they forgot how to work."
Hot Girl: "Oh, that's not true. Stop trying to scare him. It taste just like cotton candy."
Me: "It taste like cotton candy, but it stings like Ali. Let's do this: Let's do lunch tomorrow. I've got a meeting around 9, but after that we're free for the weekend."
My plan worked. I talked Neidrach off the ledge for that night, but the next day, I was unsuccessful. At 12 PM, we made our way to Silky O's, where we met the girls for lunch. I get up, and run to wash my hands, and when I returned to our table, Neidrach had ordered 3 Buckets: one for me, one for him, and one for the girls to share.
Me: "Ummmmm.... This is too much. We should've split one like the girls."
Neidrach: "How dare you? You are not the same guy that lifted that keg over his head to impress some girl at that Tri Delta party in '03. What happen to Maximus Primus that partied for 10 days straight leading up to homecoming 2004? Are you weak? You know what? Give that thing to me. I'll drink mine and yours both, do shots, and I'll still be able to go 'til 7 in the morning."
And so, the challenge had been laid before me. He had succeeded in striking a nerve. It was the greatest half time speech I'd ever heard. As a competitor, I could not sit back and let him challenge me in my city. Not in Memphis.
Me: "Whoever finishes the first bucket last has to take a shot of tequila."
Neidrach: "Two words: Let's go!"
And so we drank. I beat him finishing the first Bucket. He beat me finishing the second. The girls decided to leave as the 16 year old boys came out of us. The battle raged into a third Bucket each, and he had taken a substantial lead. Our competition had gained some admirers, but unfortunately, they were only there to see me embarrass myself. In an ignorant attempt to steal victory from the grasps of defeat, I decided to pick my bucket up and funnel the "drinkable octane" into my mouth. Unfortunately for me, I completely missed my mouth. It went everywhere but my mouth: nose, eyes, ears, shirt, floor. We were promptly kicked out, and I don't remember much else.
Lesson:
Order "The Bucket" from Silky O'Sullivans at your own risk. read more